Self-sabotage can occur when we are attempting to change a habit or improve ourselves (hello new year's resolutions!). Equally, any time we are in a transition period and are needing or wanting to make changes in our life, we can, unfortunately, be our own worst enemy.

A transitional period is defined as a time when things are changing from one state to another. We are all currently living through a global transition, and likely are experiencing elements of transition in multiple areas of our lives as a result.  

Being in transition can be unsettling and challenging. Many of the usual things we took for granted (like children attending school, us physically attending a workplace) change, and as a result, we find our usual patterns are disrupted. This alone is unsettling and our brains don’t like it. Consequently, we need to be more fully engaged in the day-to-day routines, and this can make us feel stressed.

It is then normal that we desire to regain a feeling of control. During times of transition, where many aspects of our lives and careers are out of our control, or at least feel that way, we lean towards ways we can feel better or change ourselves.

Sadly, regardless of how deeply we desire to bring back a sense of control through making positive changes for ourselves, we can end up resisting change, or worse; actively sabotaging our own efforts to either seek support or make positive changes in our lives.

What is self-sabotage?

In essence, self-sabotage is behaviour (action or inaction) that interferes with or prevents you from achieving long-standing goals. Or, put another way, self-sabotage refers to behaviours or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.

What does self-sabotage look like?

Let's start with a simple example.

When we are looking to lose weight and get fit, we can feel very motivated for a few days. But then we after a few days of exercising, or when we feel we’ve had a successful day of eating healthily, we treat ourselves to something decidedly unhealthy.  I am sure you are all familiar with the 'I'll just treat myself to a small bowl of ice cream, as I've been good day’ rationale.  Yes, we all know little treats can be okay in moderation, but they also undermine our progress.

Whilst this is a simple and readily understood example (I suspect we have all been there!), without dire effect, it is a quite common approach when we are looking to make more significant changes in our lives too. Where this example is unlikely to have serious consequences, there are other areas of our life and career where a similar approach can have far-reaching impact.

Self-talk self-sabotage 

One the most common ways we self-sabotage is through the words we use, both when we talk to ourselves and the words we say about ourselves to others.

Sometimes, the words are simply excuses, which we then believe. For example, saying, “I don’t have time”. What we often mean is “I don’t want to” but use a lack of time as a more socially acceptable reason for our refusal.

To be clear, I am all for being intentional and saying no when the request is not aligned with our values or priorities. However, when “I don’t have time” becomes an excuse for not prioritising areas of our life that matter, such as finding our purpose, engaging in self-care or pursuing our dreams, then it’s self-sabotage. Our language around a perceived lack of time is self-sabotaging our ability to get started taking action on the things that matter.

Other phrases that effectively self-sabotage our motivation and keep us playing small, include, “I don’t know how” (my kids use this one A LOT!) which acts as a reinforcer for our minds to stay in our comfort zone, and thus, not learn and grow. Classic self-sabotage!

Another common phrase I hear from my career and business coaching clients is, “I’m not ready”. By using this phrase, we stay in planning and preparing mode, which certainly keeps us busy but doesn’t move us forward in true action.  This is another way our self-talk sabotages us.

Mindset self-sabotage

One of the other common ways we self-sabotage is through our mindset or beliefs. I’ve done this myself! We rationalise our behaviour as being aligned with a particular ethos or school of thought. But then take that approach too far, to the point where it becomes an excuse to stay in our comfort zone, avoid minor changes, or remain in a situation that we claim we want to move on from.

The simplest example of this can be around our self-worth. We play small, and choose to scrape by with objects, relationships or roles that are okay but far from ideal.

An easy example is when we rationalise not investing in or using our ‘nice things’ because we believe that it is a waste to spend money on something beautiful, or it’s environmentally unsound to purchase the lovely item when we already have something that’s passable. Now I am not an advocate for purchasing unnecessary items! Far from it; I am an eco-minimalist at heart.

However, when it comes to self-sabotage, lowering our self-worth through denying ourselves can mean we end up believing we are not worthy of particular items or activities, which flows into believing we are not worthy of making a change in our circumstances.  This comes down to mindset, yet is a major self-sabotaging behaviour.

I see this often with my career coaching clients; they will happily invest in the best schools and latest gadgets for their children, but when applying for their dream role or promotion, baulk at investing a small amount for a professional headshot to update their LinkedIn profile. A simple yet powerful example where their mindset leads to self-sabotaging behaviour.

Self-sabotage in our career

Some of the more severe forms of career self-sabotage include actively being disengaged or procrastinating on completing key tasks, bad-mouthing colleagues or spending time gossiping, all of which can lead to negative consequences.  Whilst these are generally seen as having a potentially negative impact, other less obviously negative behaviours can also cause problems.

Saying yes to every request in order to be seen as helpful or ‘nice’, can end up with too much work, resulting in key deliverables not being met, which is not a positive outcome. The intention appears good, but the behaviour taken too far results in undermining your good intentions.

All my clients want to feel more fulfilled in their careers, which is why they are working with a career coach! However, even then, self-sabotage can sneak in.

For example, feeling it’s all a bit too hard, so not doing the actions. Yes, that’s more self-sabotage. I get it - taking time to work out what your dream career or business could be is hard, but going to work every single day and not loving your job is also hard.

Self-sabotage in our life

When we are wanting to make more significant changes in our life, we may seek assistance from others. Yet even then we can self-sabotage.  For example, by making an appointment to speak to a professional to get help but failing to turn up.

Or making the appointment but being ridiculously late.  

Booking the appointment but filling our day with so many errands and chores that we cannot physically attend the appointment.

For the most part, these are not serious sabotages.  But they do prevent you from moving forward.

Each time something happens which stops progress or is another form of procrastination, you are hindering your growth as well as your wellbeing.

For some, they may interpret this resistance as a sign that they were not ready for a change after all.

For others, it's our ego saying 'this feels scary, I'm afraid'.

Whether you feel the time is not right for a change, or if you are driven by your ego (whether you know it or not), the best way to feel like you have control again in your life and no longer feel stuck, is to take action.

Remember, most people regret the actions they did not take, not the actions they did take.

3 ways to Avoid self-sabotage & take action

1. Focus on your strengths

Firstly, when taking action to avoid self-sabotage, embrace and focus on your strengths. This is one of the core things I work on with my coaching clients.

As part of this, we review what others see as your best qualities and achievements. If asking others feels daunting, you can also do this for yourself. Get started by choosing to act like a detective to find evidence of your strengths and achievements. Comments in performance reviews, email one-liners, text messages from grateful friends and hand-written cards are all prime sources for valuable feedback. Review and note the areas you are also most proud of – either the qualities or accomplishments. Then either post it somewhere you’ll see it daily or create a file on your desktop. I used to call mine the ‘Rainy day file’ but recently a client named hers ‘I am a legend’ which is a far better name, which I think I will borrow!  Then when you’re having a tough time, you can refer to the file and boost your confidence.

And confidence helps shift you into action.

2. Embrace accountability

Another way to ensure we take action and avoid self-sabotage is to have an accountability buddy.  Enlist the support of a close friend, a coach, or another trusted confidante to keep you accountable. Most people find it easier to stick to habits, or accountability if they have someone else helping them to do so.

I know I find having external accountability helps with tasks that I feel nervous or anxious about.  And making changes in our career, business or life and moving forward, as much as we may want it, can feel anxiety-inducing.

3. Ask yourself a question

The right question at the right time is a powerful thing! This is, after all, a core part of coaching; asking the right question at the appropriate time to support the client think again.

I use this technique for myself to avoid smaller moments of self-sabotage. I simply ask myself, 'What's the worst that could happen?'

And it is easy and quick to do. All it requires is jotting down the answer to 'what's the worst that could happen if I turn up to that appointment?', or 'what's the worst that could happen if I make this change?'

A sentence or two usually suffices for the answer. Very occasionally, more detailing journalling is required. But, invariably the worst that could happen is not really bad at all.  And it's nearly always a whole lot better than staying stuck where I am!

Action encourages more action

Invariably, as we act, we feel a greater sense of control and are increasingly positive about the changes we seek and are making in our lives.  With increased action, we make tangible progress that we can see and feel. And then others notice the progress and changes we are making, which boosts our accountability and self-confidence.

With action underway, accountability and self-confidence, we build momentum and the pesky voice of procrastination and self-sabotage is shown the door.

Ask for help

Asking for help and support is hard but being on your own and not sure what to do is also hard.

As a career, business and life confidence coach, I work with people who want to make changes in their life and know the accountability and confidence they gain from working with me will help them move into and stay in action. All individual coaching programs start with a complimentary consult where together we can determine if coaching with me is right for you.  Actively choose to create a life you love by getting started today – simply book your call.